Kelseytruelove

A lot of things have changed since I last posted on here.. 

I'm still in school, almost done, thank god.
Still in 'love', unfortunately with someone who I could never be with.. it's tough, but it's life.
Don't even know if I believe in love anymore.. I went through the world's sketchiest breakup of my life, and am currently still living with my ex, my parents went through a sketchy brekaup last summer.. things have just been really shitty and made me stop believing..

Short update because I'm in class.. I probably won't be on here for some time, but who knows?
Thoughts?

im still in love with you
and you have no idea
kind of pathetic, dont you think?

whatever
thats not the point

dans moving..
in 6 hours
to toronto
i dont give a fuck what anyone says..
even though hes only going to toronto, im gonna miss him so fucking much. tonight when i left his house.. i cried and hugged him fo rlike 489758905 hours. its just shitty, bc i see him like everyday. and i really consider him as a bestfriend. ugh. shittyness

and on top of that;
eric isn't home yet!
and mandys going to school
and so is kyra... to GUELPH!
thats far
but not ?

idk..
im gonna miss so many people
but this summer has been the best ever
thanks so much to everyone

i fucking love you all

I'm rackin my brain
trying to comprehend
how, for some unknown reason, our status will remain as friends
I'm destroying my mind
trying to understand how with little to no effort
you've got me eating out of the palms of your hands 


Yea idk dude... for some reason, there's been a peticular someone who will not get out of my mind and it's actually driving me insane.  It's not love, it can't be.  It has potential to be.. but it's not love.  I just wish it could be something instead of nothing.  Who knows.

Ps- Eric seriously needs to come home soon.  I fucking miss him so much it hurts my heart a lot.

I really wish this feeling would go away..

This confusion has taken me over and there's nothing I can do to make it stop.

Fuck the male species

Its never been like this with anyone before.. I don't know why. Any guy who is interested in me gets shut down because of you. But it actually makes no sense what-so-ever considering there will never be a 'you and me' and I know that because you've told me this before.

Why is it so hard to give up on you? I was doing just fine until' I saw you the other day. I'm not even sure if you saw me, but it was terrible. I can't stop thinking about you and it's making me sick.

I feel pathetic and stupid and needy and annoying and I'm none of those things. At all. I just, I know it could be amazing.. if you would just let it.

Ugh.
It doesn't even matter. I've said my goodbye.. I'm sorry we can't be friends. It's too confusing. It's time for me to pretend that I'm over you and go back to him..

you cant keep coming back like this expecting me to say everything will be okay. because it wont be okay. it isn't okay.

i still havent forgiven you for the way you treated me and the things you said, and i wont forgive you for a long time. you're going to have to wait.

as much as i love you.. i just cant trust you. and thats what terrifies me the most. now that my hearts in your hands, you have the power to play with it like you have in the past. maybe this time will be different? who the fuck knows.

i dont.. and im not sure if i care anymore? im starting to think.. whatever happens, happens. im just gonna prepare myself for the worst.

All around.. I had a pretty alright weekend.

I spend all of it in Waterdown with Teddie. Lastnight, Teddie, Bri, Brit, Graham and I went on a road trip to Welland to The End bc there was a show there and a bunch of our friends were there. I saw my friend Sam who I hadn't seen in a really long time and it was so good, but so weird at the same time because I think he really got the wrong impression when I was stoked to see him.

But whatever.. after the show we drove back to Waterdown and Brit, Kerri, Teddie, Mark and I all had a fire and searches for Teddies cat who went missing.

Anyways.. today we went to Teddies work for 7 hours and I can barely keep my eyes open. I'm so fucking tired and have work tomorrow morning.

Ugh!
But yeah.. Teddie drove me home and I was home fro about 10 minutes and Nick picked me up at took me to Hamilton to the Underground.. but it was lame there. So we were driving through downtown Hamilton and I saw an old friend of mine (Elyse). I stopped and talked to her for a good half hour and realized, I am really glad I got away from my old life, away from the drugs, the alcohol, and the people. I guess thats why I get so attathed to the friends that I have now, because when shit gets rough I don't have drugs and alcohol to lean on like I use to, I have my friends. They are what keep me alive.

So that's what I realized tonight. I love my friends more than anything, but for some reason.. I still feel lonely ? Idk

keh so today i made lunch for nick eric and drew bc its erics last day of summer since hes going to Meaford for 6 weeks for military. ughck. i am gonnna miss him so fucking much.. no one understands.

but after that, i went to a show w/ mandy and caitlin and dave and i hadnt seen dave in like a week so that was sick. there was some pretty sweet people at the show and dead and divine was amazing.. it was a good way to kick off the tour.

after the show bri,brit,graham,eric,nick,teddie,dave,mandy,caitlin and myself went back to teddies for hangouts and now teddie bri and beau are here and were watching a walk to remember.. im kind of stoked

tomorrow were going shopping and then teddie works so im gonna chill w/ kerri and then teddie and i are going to lakeshore and thne to a party and im sleeping here again.. so its gonna be a pretty amazing weekend

im stoked on life
but i miss some people
so.. lets make this summer amazin

Today started off with waking up at 2:30pm. I was so stoked on my first sleepin in over a week.

As soon as I called Drew and went over there to swim/jump off his roof into his pool with him, Dan, Nick, Dude, Eric, Colby and friends. After swimming we smoked some hookah and it was pretty sweet.

Mandy, Caitlin and I went to the show tonight. xliferuinerx was so fucking good. I dont know.. shows dont really impress me anymore. Like, I still go, to support my friends and hangout with people I normally don't get to see.

Anyways..
The rest of my night will consist of Sex and the city watching.

Ugh..

He seriously has absolutely no clue how crazy about him I am.. it kind of makes me sick because I know it won't ever happen but whatever. I'm over the fact that I'm gonna be a lone for a while.

Anyways..
Tonight was kind of sweet. My friend Nikki (from BC) came over and we went to Waterdown/Burlington and chilled with a bunch of people and smoked a lot of sheesha out of Red Delicious. It was deece' times.

this morning i woke up and walked my lazy tired ass to work.. i was there by 11 and only had to work until' 1.

mom and i went to my school to get my report card and then i found out that i owe the school $50.00 and can't get my marks unless i pay it. mother was not impressed.

teddie came over for a little bit before she went back to waterdown. we drove the park, had some cigarettes then went to tim hortons for a nice criossante hahah. i actually really love teddie now. things were so sketch between me and her, but she's one of my good friends. she's always there for me when i need someone the most and she's always down for listening.

after that, i went to ancaster with my mom to see how much it will cost to get my cellphone reactivated and do somet shopping.. yeeeahh, that didn't go over to well. some drama went on between me and her and she told me to get out of the car and find my own ride home. bad times. and then she called a dumb cunt. thanks mom.

ugh, whatever. she doesn't mean anything to me anymore anyways.

rachel came over to watch some tv and sucvh and then mandy picked us up and took us all to flatrock (nicky came too) it was good times. we went on an adventure in the forrest and it was so scary so i made everyone sing some rediculous song to get the spookiness off of my mind hahah. i called jess, and she was with kyra.. and fuck, i love those girls so much and miss them. it makes me so sad that they live only 15 minutes from me, yet we never get to see eachother</3 none the less, they are amazing. in conclusion; my friends are phenominal and save my life everyday<3

You hate me.. and I actually dont care at all. Youre fucking immature and I cant wait to get out. I cant deal anymore.

Whatever. I'm going to Stoneycreek tonight with Eric, Guy, and Guy's girlfriend.. I dunno, it could be alright I guess. I just wanna get out of le house.

So, my friend Nikki is in town for the rest of the summer, she lives in BC so this summer might actually turn out so amazing. I love the friends that I have, but I also love new people and it's nice to have a girl around now.

I just got home from a nice sit with Rachel. We go for walks/visits to the park/coffee dats all the time, she's there for me so much its rediculous. But now it's time to get ready to go out with Eric and such.

ps- i miss kyra and jess so much right now ughck </3

started off emotional..

but teddie, kerri, bri and sue are coming over.. and eric's in canada, on his was home from Michigan so tonight is bound to be better

im gonna go have a bath

:)

I made an ass out of myself.. again. I'm seriously just giving up on you.. I'm sick of making the effort. It's actually making me feel pathetic and really small and lame when I shouldn't at all. I know this could work, but you don't seem to care and it doesn't seem to phase you.

I dont know, I hate knowing what I want, but I hate knowing I can't have it even more in the least bit.




Whatever. I just need to get out of my house and be with my friends but I cant. Nick was suppose to come pick me up tonight and we were gonna go to Waterdown to see Teddie, Kerri, Bri, and Dave.. but it's too late to do anything now, so I'm staying home all night.

Teddie just got back today and I'm kind of pissed I haven't seen her yet because I actually did miss her. It feels good to know that I have a girl to talk to now if I need to, someone who can relate and listen and help me with everything thats on my mind. Having 5 bestfriends that are all guys can be so amazing, but it's a pain in the ass when I'm going through shitty times, but Teddie's always there for me to go to.. so that makes me happy :)

Oh well, there really isn't too much I can do about any of this. I'm gonna have a bath and relax a bit, but I'm sure I'll write more later.

I hate the feeling of lonliness. I know I have my friends and my bros and shit.. but I want someone to hold me and be there to tell me that it's gonna be alright even if it isn't. With everything that's been going on in my life lately, it would be good to have that person. But it's impossible.. I'm reaching, and probably going back to that fantasy world I always find myself at. It's too much to ask for I guess.

My hapiness is not the only thing thats on the line either. The part that kills me the most is that everyone around me is hurting for one reason or another and there's nothing I can do to fix any of it. I wish I could.. and I'm trying to be there for my friends and my family.. but there's only so much I can do.

I'm trying my best to learn how to deal with reality too. That has always been a huge problem of mine. I live in this fantasy world where everything is so perfect, and then when I get that little bit of reality thrown my way, it kills everything. It happens with everything.. my family, school, guys.. The only thing that is solid right now is my friends. They are the most amazing individuals ever. Esspecially my bros, I love them all to death.

I have to work in the morning.
So I'm gonna sleep.

I am seriously so overwhelmed with school right now it's rediculous.

I've been sick for the past little while and missed three days of school last week. And I came back on Monday. So far I've had to write two tests everyday and tomorrow I have to write a civics exam.

I'm so sick of school.. but I'm a littlebit proud of myself because today was the first time I studied all year.. get stoked on it.